Parent To Parent

 

When a three year old is out of control

One mother writes:

I have three children. They are 6, 3, & 5 months. They are all boys and fairly good kids. I am concerned with my three year old.

Everyone tells me he's just being three but I can feel in my heart that there is something not right with him I love him to pieces, he is my son. He is way out of control and I am just at my wits end with him. We do not hit our kids and time outs don't work with him. He doesn't care who he tells no to and he has a hard time listening. He is very hyper always bouncing & jumping. I'm afraid he's going to hurt himself one day. Am I just being paranoid or do you think something may be wrong with him? I have asked the doctor about it but he tells me not to worry, but he's not in my home day in and day out with a three year old in a rage coming at you throwing punches full force.

He doesn't seem to be phased by his actions either. He hardly ever shows emotion. He won't potty train for anything. Even as an infant he didn't like to be held or cuddled.  Any thought s on research for help would be great.

Regards,

A Mom at the end of her rope

Reader's Answers:

It's sounds like you may be right on track with your child.  As a parent and an early childhood special needs teacher my guess is that the behavior you describe is more than just normal three year old behavior. 

Is your child experiencing delays in any areas of development like language (how many words is he producing in a sentence, is his speech clear, does he have an adequate vocabulary?), basic preacademic skills ( interest in numbers, being read to, asking questions about his world?), self help skills (other than toilet training, can he wash his hands and face, put on simple clothing like pants, shirt, socks, shoes?), and social skills (can he play around or with other children his own age without having problems,

carry on conversations with peers, use good imaginative play skills?)

If you feel any of these things may be issues with him or if his behavior is just that out of the ordinary,as you describe, contact your local school district and refer your child for an evaluation by their early childhood specialist.  If your child has significant delays in two or more of these areas they may offer you a specialized preschool program which would provide the kind of structure he needs to better attend and learn new skills.  As often is the case with ADHD children, they are quite bright but they are just too busy to get the usual social cues   for appropriate behavior or to learn what other children pick up naturally.

Good luck!!

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Regarding your son check out early interventions on the internet. I did and I'm glad I did. they will let you know where to go.  You can call the school district and they can help you with special education classes for him. my son in 3yrs old now and he is doing great...good luck...

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 Wow you found my old son  I have a four year old who was the child you described in your letter and I went threw the same thing I talk to the doctor he said to many kids get labeled as ADHD and to just wait well not to long after the impulsivity came into play not that he wasn't always impulsive but it got worse when it got to the point that i had to put bolts on my doors because when john wanted to go out to play weather at 1pm or 1am he just left then he started jumping out first story windows and going to the neighbors house. I finally had my ending point when I broke a window on the second floor of our house to go out and play he thought it was OK he had no conception of fear. I called a place called act now and had to place him in a three day crisis bed the put him on meds and when i picked my son up it was like a miracle had occurred he walked different talked different and for the first time i got to see him sit on the floor and actually be able to play and on top of it all he seemed to like the change as much as I did. The steps I had to take to get him were he is today as the hardest thing I can truly say I have ever done. John being the one always getting in trouble I kind of stuck up for him a lot and in return he clung to me like jam on bread I was everything to him and those three days that I had to spend lost because all of a sudden I didn't have to focus everything on what he was doing and were he was were the worst days i have ever been threw but yet I got one of the best gifts I have ever received. I got to see my little boy for what he truly is. Please call a guidance service, children's hospital, counseling center and get your son a psychiatric evaluation, that is what is needed for him to be put on meds and for him to receive a diagnoses please follow threw on this you will never regret your decision.

good luck Jan

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If you feel there might be something wrong, my advice would be to take him to a child psychiatrist or at least a child counselor. If he were vomiting and running a fever, you would take him to a pediatrician. Be aware, in my opinion there are a lot of incompetent quacks out there. Find out who your insurance covers and then research them. Ask your insurance provider.  Are they a board certified child psychiatrist? How long have they practiced at the facility they are currently at? etc., etc.  It may be that your child is perfectly healthy in every way. However, if there is any doubt in your mind, don't you think you owe it to him, yourself and the other members of your family to ensure he is well both physically and mentally? I remember my daughter never wanting to be held as an infant and I could not please her no matter what I did. I also had another child only 14 months older than her. They are 10 and 11 years old now. Being home with them while they were infants was the toughest most intense and draining time of my life. I would like to say well done for hanging in there and being a caring mother through it all. I hope this is of some help to you, even if it was not the advice you were looking for. GOOD LUCK!

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Hi

That was like reading my life all over again.  My son is now aged 19 he has adhd and i like all mums i love him to bits no matter what.  My advice is get in touch with an ADHD group, also ask if they know of anyone in the area that specializes in ADHD u need a DR that does this.  Then go to your DR an insist that he makes a referral to this person or phone explain and do it yourself.  Everything u put there in your letter was a carbon copy of what my son was like and like you,  DR'S said it was nothing, he was 13 when I finally was told it was ADHD I wish more Dr's would listen to the parents.  

One bit of advice I can give to you until you find help is this:

When asking your son to do something do this.

Example, don't pull the dogs ears, because it hurts the dog, would you like someone to pull your ears and do you think it will hurt.  Your son will then answer with a yes it would hurt.  You have to give an order with a reason and then get them to reply or can you sit still because we can't hear the TV, instead of sit still, if you say sit still often children with ADHD will say why. You reply with because I said so and they give another answer why.  When they say why take it as a cue to give then a reason and explain why. make sure they understand, this does help.

But please keep trying to find a DR that can help you.

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He may have Pervasive Developmental Disorder.  I have a son with this and it sounds similar.  Does he have good  

communication skills? Lack of speech skills is a classic symptom.

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Hello there mom at the end of her rope...we have been there and know how you feel...we have a 2 year old who is a lot like what you describe...we have called in resources for exceptional children and have an infant development worker working with our son and us. She has been a huge help. She has arranged for an occupational therapist to work with our son and we have seen HUGE improvements since the occupational therapist has been working with him and giving us great advice. I would suggest also requesting to see a developmental pediatrician. We have been told that our son cannot be diagnosed with ADHD until he is 4 but out developmental pediatrician is going to do some behavioural tests with him and give us some advice to work with him. Early intervention is imperative with children that may have ADHD or behavioural issues. I would seek the advice of a developmental pediatrician and also if you can access an occupational therapist for some advice and ideas and therapy it would be beneficial. Often family doctors do not seem to know enough about ADHD and behaviour issues and the earlier you can get help and intervention the better.

I hope this helps you

Good Luck!

Charlene

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I am a single mother and my son is three (will be four at the end of the month).  I do not have any answers but I do have understanding.  My child is in a Preschool program and exhibits many of the adhd symptoms.  He has never even slept peacefully.  However, I recently put him on allergy medication and although the behavior has not changed he sleeps at night and wets the bed less.  I believe that this is the first time in his life that he has gone into a deep enough sleep to have dreams.  I was given a book called "The Impossible Child"  it is about allergies.  It had some very interesting information.  I plan on completing allergy testing before I attempt adhd treatments, because my doctor has already suggested trying stimulant drugs.  I understand your concern, my son hit me in the face a few days ago and actually left a light bruise,  if he is that strong now it will be interesting to see in two years!!  My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

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Wow, this sounds like our daughter when she was 3.  Most people that didn't have to spend the day with her said it was just a phase.  My sister in law, who is a nurse, commented that my daughter wasn't "quite right" and suggested that we investigate.  After having our feelings hurt, we did.  We had an evaluation by our pediatrician, who referred us to a development specialist.  The diagnosis was ADHD with some language delays.  She is now 5 and in kindergarten.  Through our school district, she had 3 semesters of early childhood classes.  We have seen great improvement, but are facing new challenges with her.

Hang in there and go to someone who specialized in kids with behavior problems.  It may take 2, 3 or even 4 specialists and you will have to really fight some days.  It's worth it.  The earlier you start, the better it will be for your child. 

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Your three year old son sounds a lot like my oldest daughter (now 31, we did survive!!) 

My only piece of advise is, change doctors!! It took us until our daughter was 7 to get a correct diagnosis (hers was ADHD).  Prior to that we were looked at as inept parents with an out of control child. She was kicked out of preschool at age 3, yet our then Dr continued telling us she was fine.  We started taking her to specialists and got her diagnosis from a Pediatric Neurologist. The sooner a correct diagnosis is made the easier it is for the parents to aquire the "tools" (techniques for changing behaviors) and for the child to adapt. School was very difficult for our daughter, worse before her diagnosis, but also after as teachers and classmates didn't understand why she acted the way she did. The education system is much better now (we also have an 11 year old son with ADD, no H which is a little easier to deal with). Today schools are required to work with an individual childs differences and teach to their needs. 

Our daughter is now married with 3 children. She's a fantastic mother, has a husband we adore, has a lot of close friends, does volunteer work, owns a home...  

I wish you the best. It's a long road, but very do able with the right specialists.

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Hi, my son is 7 and has adhd and was recently diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder.   It was like he hit terrible two's and never out grew them.  Find a doctor that believes you,  Ask around for a pediatrician who knows about adhd and odd. Go to a counseling center, they will do a few interviews and then set you up to see a psychiatrist.  I dont believe the drugs are a cure all and maybe they cant start them that early but couseling for you and your child could be very beneficial. It will be worth your time.

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Get help! I am going through the EXACT same thing that you have described. It is NOT normal. I would suggest doing some documentation (frequency counts of troublesome behaviors) and getting written feedback from any caregivers. This way you have something concrete to back up what you are saying to the doctor. Also, find out which doctor the older ADHD kids go to. Sometimes there is someone who knows more about it who can help you. At three, he should be eligible for services through the school system, including testing. This is what I am doing. Good luck!

--Michelle

 

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HI- I HOPE I'M RESPONDING TO THR THREE YEAR OLD THAT IS HYPERACTIVE.
I'VE BEN DEALING WITH THIS, WITH MY SON, FOR 21 YEARS. MY SON NEVER HAD ANY FRIENDS EVEN AT 21 HE CANNOT HOLD DOWN A JOB AND HAS VERY LITTLE CONTACT WITH ANYONE. AT THREE, MY SON, WAS  AS CUTE AS A BUTTON BUT HE ALSO THREW PUNCHES AND WAS MORE AGGRESSIVE THAN THE OTHER KIDS. HE ALSO HAD A LOT OF OTHER MEDICAL PROBLEMS, LIKE HE WAS TONGUE-TIED AND BORN LIKE THAT AND WAS TAKING SPEECH THERAPY WHILE HIS TONGUE HAD THAT PIECE OF SKIN ATTACHED TO HIS MOUTH. NO ONE FOUND THIS OUT AND YES, IT WAS THE SAME PLACE HE WAS GETTING SPEECH LESSONS AT. THE THERAPIST WAS REALLY GETTING MAD AT HIM AS HE COULDN'T PAY ATTENTION WELL THAT WAS PROBABLY SO -BUT  HAVING THE TONGUE TIE WAS LIKE  A HUGE PROBLEM. BECAUSE IT WASN'T CAUGHT UNTIL 5 YEARS OLD HE HAD TO LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ALL OVER AGAIN. HE HAD SPEECH ALL THROUGHOUT SCHOOL INCLUDING HIGH SCHOOL BUT DROPPED SPEECH IN TENTH GRADE AS HE WAS AS FAR AS HE WAS GOING TO MAKE IT AT THAT POINT PLUS HE HAD THIS OTHER THING GOING adhd I FIGURED IT OUT BUT I'M NOT SURE, TO THIS DAY IF HE IS ADHD OR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER OR BI-POLAR THOSE SEEM TO BE THE THREE BIGGIES THE DRS. ANALYSE. SO MY SON IS 21 AND ON ALL THIS MEDICINE AND HE STILL GOT FIRED HE WENT THROUGH AN EXTENSIVE WORK PROGRAM OHIO HAS FOR "MENTAL" AND HELD THIS JOB DOWN FOR 2 YEARS AND GOT HIS HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA . HE WAS IN OWE SO HE HAD TO HAVE A JOB IN ORDER TO PASS HIGH SCHOOL. SO HIS ATTENTION SPAN SUCKS- AND AWAY I GO AGAIN TO THE DRS. I WAS JUST READING ABOUT A NEW ADHD DRUG WITHOUT STIMULANTS. IT WILL BE APPROVED IN JAN OF 2003 I HOPE THIS ONE WILL WORK FOR HIM AS I HATE HIM BEING ON "SPEED" WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY PUT THESE KIDS ON
ANY QUESTIONS I WOULD BE GLAD TO HELP  CINDI

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Obviously her doctor isn't current with today's treatments. My son hated being held or hugged. And for some weird reason hated anything green such as plants, grass, vegetables, etc. Today he is still pretty much an introvert at age 19. My son at age 3 was put on a very low dose of Ritalin for his behavior problems more so when he hit a teacher in the nose. We had tried food restrictions. Ritalin was prescribed by a psychiatrist not a Family doctor.  However make sure all the tests are done. My son was NOT Hyper Active. At age 9 after coming off the Ritalin that was causing his drug induced halluccinations we finally saw his first seizure. An EEG at age three would have pointed this out. The scar on the left side of his brain was very prominent in an MRI. My final suggestion is to have your doctor acquire a referral so proper testing can be done.