My son has ADD. He is in 4th grade. I need some tips on how to help him and information that I can give his teacher so she can understand it better.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Christian

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Hi, I'm the Mom of an ADHD child too.  My first suggestion to you is to try and create a schedule and stick to it.  I've learned that by having things (like homework time, meal time, free time) scheduled, it creates a calmer child.  For some reason, when things are chaotic, it seems to cause them great anxiety.  My son also takes medication.  We tried all of the other options, such as homework modification, teacher and parent feedback daily.  We worked at this for about 1 1/2 years, and it got to the point that he was starting to feel overwhelmed, he also started calling himself stupid.  So, we found a psychiatrist who specialized in ADHD.  He retested him, and then we discussed what our action would be.  We gave the medication to our son, and we found him a counselor to speak with on a weekly basis.  The medication didn't alter his behavior in any way, and he seems just like any other teen.  The medicine just equalized his thinking.  He saw his counselor for about 1 1/2 years.  He sees his psychiatrist every other month, so we can discuss his progress.  No, he doesn't make straight A's or B's, he does do his best though.  I hope what I had to say was helpful. Good luck, Sharon

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 Dear Friend,

Actually, you are very fortunate to have discovered your child's challenges at such a young age.   When it is discovered in older children, there is usually damage done to their self esteem and a lot of pain that is hard to undo.

These are some of the things that I did, and it made a big big difference in my child and my relationship with him.

1:  Get a notebook and observe, watch and study your child.  You will begin to see patterns that you may not have noticed before.  When my son was little, if he made a mistake, he would create a diversion - let me explain.  Suppose he was coloring a picture and accidentally went outside the lines.  He would come down so hard on himself and to prevent anyone from seeing his "failure" (as he thought it was), he would act up or do something to distract from his mistake.  The problem with that is, he hated being in the lime-light, so when the negative attention came anyway, it was completely frustrating for him.  

2:  Watch what he watches, listen to what he listens to, and try to put yourself in his place and see things from the eyes of a child. (TV, music, conversations, etc.).  One time my son and I were talking about something, and all of a sudden he spouted "I'm not talking to YOU!!!"  Of course he was in trouble for his rudeness.  Then, after I sat with him and watched a Walt Disney cartoon, there was a part in the movie where a character said the same thing in the same tone, but the circumstances in the movie were funny.  Andy was not able to differentiate between being funny or being rude.  He did not understand why he got in trouble when he was trying to be funny.    You may have to do some searching to find out where your child gets some of the things he comes up with.

3: Know your child's HEART.  My son was always wanting to please - couldn't stand for anyone to be angry at him.  If you know that your boy is not mean and hostile in his heart, it will help you to better address his actions.  

4:  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS address the behavior (as calmly and patiently as you can, and explain why what he did was wrong).  NEVER, NEVER NEVER attack his character - for example:  That was an ugly thing to say!  Not you are ugly.   That was a mean thing to do - not you are mean.  Most ADD kids have a pretty poor image of themselves already.  The last thing they need is for the people they love and trust the most to pour salt in the wound.

5:  If possible, you (or Mom, Gramma, someone who knows and cherishes your child) try to volunteer in his school as often as possible.  I went to school with him 4 days a week all through grade school.  One, I had the peace of mind than no one was picking on him while I was there, and two, I could see how he was in a crowded room.  (crowds overwhelmed him - even family gatherings)  It helped so much - he didn't have to fear the other kids, and could better concentrate on school activities.  The one thing I did not do that I really wish that I had is waited a year to put him in school.  If he had had that one extra year to mature a little bit, all of his grade school years would have been easier on all of us.  Wait to put him in Kindergarten.  You're the parent - the school does not dictate to you - they work FOR you.

6:  You may find that he has what I call "selective learning" .  If there is something my son enjoys, he can tell you anything you ever wanted to know about it.  Andy's thing is fishing and boats.  He can spot a boat, tell me the length, engine size, who's the captain, how fast it can go.......it's amazing.  But simple concepts like "fact families in math - 2+3=5,  3-2=5,  5-2=3,  5-3=2   very simple concept - took me 3 years to get through to him.  But if I said Capt. Joe caught a 5 pound trout, a 200 lb grouper and a 50 lb. tuna, and gave half of it to his friend, he could figure it out without a pencil.    In other words, try to put things in terms he can understand.  It will become second nature to you  when someone says something to him, you can immediately follow up and tell him the same thing in smaller words or terms he can understand.

7:  Write it all down.  Give a copy to all teachers, guidance councilors, and relatives.  (My family just thought Andy didn't listen.  They all had to learn to make sure Andy was looking right at them when they spoke to him,  otherwise he didn't hear a word they said.  Make a habit of having your child tell you what you just said to him.  He may very easily have "heard" something entirely different.

8:  Take time out.  Andy and I made a pact that when we were doing homework, neither one of us would get upset if it took 50 times to explain something.  If one of us got flustered, we took a 20 minute break.  Go outside, ride a bike, have a snack, both of you do something calming, and return to the task in a little bit.  We would do homework for 4-6 hours every day.  The kid didn't have much of a life outside of school.  Always remember how difficult it is for HIM.  He's a child, not a little adult.

9:  Know the difference between when your child really knows and understands he is misbehaving and when he really doesn't know better.  I never allowed my son to be disrespectful to adults, throw balls in the house, - you know, normal stuff.  Don't let him (or anyone else) just resign to "he can't help it."   There will be many many things he really can't control, but he doesn't have to be a whirling dervish just because he has ADD.  If he says a bad word or does something wrong, make sure he know and understands the wrong behavior BEFORE you administer punishment.  Correct mistakes, punish defiance.  It is imperative that you know the difference.

10:  I highly recommend Sylvan Learning Center.  See if you have one or a similar educational-help center in your area.  The kids get one on one instruction to help get them to and keep them at grade level.  They made all the difference in the world for us.

11:  Pray.  Sometimes this can be so overwhelming and painful for you as a parent.  You're not alone.


My son is 14 now.  He is an absolute joy.  He has his "teenage moments", but there is a trust and a bond that we have that I wouldn't trade for anything.  It is worth the time and effort - believe me.  Good luck & God bless.        Renee