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PARENT TO PARENT
My son's meeting to renew his IEP is not scheduled until mid October. I have been asking the public school when the resource room will start. He is in elementary school and in need of additional help in math and reading. He is ADHD and takes concerta 18mg each morning. He goes to an after school program. Im trying to set up counseling to help him with his frustrations regarding school.
How can I make the school move faster? I fill that they are giving me the run around. I've called several times. What are my resources? Are there special schools for ADD children? Who pays for their education? Is it affordable?
Last month: Help on sleeping. Click here to read responses.
The Parent
Coach: Strategies To Bolster Self-Esteem
Dr. Steven Richfield
A parent writes, Our eight year old son has recently expressed many negative
thoughts about himself. In addition to sometimes telling my husband and I
that he hates himself he becomes very moody and fixates upon what's wrong
with him. We're worried that he may become depressed. What can we do to help him
develop a stronger self-esteem?
One of the most troubling dilemmas for parents is when children show
signs of low self-esteem. Despite our best efforts to help them feel good about
themselves we watch with dismay as they resist social opportunities, narrow
choices to "ego safe" activities, verbally punish themselves, or
display a variety of other self-deprecating behaviors. Unfortunately, these
signs serve to confirm their negative self-view, setting in motion a
self-defeating cycle that can lead to even more disturbing consequences.
When children are trapped in this cycle parents are often beset by
feelings of powerlessness themselves. We may point to plenty of positive things
about our child but sense our voice is being drown out by an internal voice
inside our child that screens out the good and emphasizes the bad parts of self.
Here are some suggestions for coaching your child to a strong and stable
self-esteem:
*~* Empathy helps pierce the isolation.
Correcting the problem begins with parents demonstrating love and acknowledging
the child's painful feelings. Before healing can begin children must know that
they can lean on us for understanding and guidance. Offer comforting words such
as, "I've noticed how hard you are on yourself. I want us to understand why
this is happening and talk about these thoughts and feelings." Gently
persuade them to answer your questions about the sadness, i.e., How much is it
in your thoughts? Does it interfere with sleep? Do you still enjoy your favorite
activities?
*~* Find out as much as you can about the
child's perceived foundation for their negative self-view. Although we may not
agree with their self-assessment it's important to understand it's
underpinnings. Listen and don't interrupt nor openly disagree as your child
recounts all their reasons. When they're finished suggest that they sound
disappointed in themselves and that you know how that feels, too. Explain what
you mean by weaving some of their examples into your own personal database of
mistakes or limitations. At this point the goal is to help them revise the
self-punitive meaning they place upon their "evidence." If they
can accept "disappointment in self" in place of "hatred of
self" you have helped them take a big step.
*~*Suggest to them that everyone has a
"negative voice" that sometimes gets loud and hurtful. One factor that
often injures a child's self-esteem is the presence of a harsh conscience. Even
young children can be taught about how the conscience is like an "internal
policeman" looking over your shoulder, telling right from wrong.
"Usually it does a good job of keeping people on the right path but
sometimes it makes us think that we should never make mistakes and be great at
everything," is one way to introduce the notion of a self-critical negative
voice. From that point provide examples of how your own negative voice sounds,
perhaps using humor to take some of the sting out of the discussion, i.e.,
"My conscience is definitely working overtime when I have Grandma and
Grandpa over."
*~* Offer the alternative "kind
voice" to challenge the punitive one. Coaching more reasonable
self-measurement can be placed in the context of "letting the kind voice
you use with others also speak to you." Remind them of how they have shown
forgiveness, overlooked mistakes in others, and appreciated others for who they
are not what they are good at. Explain how this kinder and gentler voice is
inside of them but also needs to come out when they are feeling disappointed in
themselves. Give examples of how their kind voice might sound afterwards, i.e.,
"Maybe I can't do this very well but that's okay. I can't be great at
everything."
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA His
column appears monthly. He can be contacted at 610-238-4450 or director@parentcoachcards.com
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