Complicated Launchings of Young Adults

By Sophia K. Havasy, Ph.D.

Years ago the social scientist, Bernice Neugarten, Ph.D., coined the phrase: "On track, on time."  These are the young people who graduate from high school, go on to college, graduate, get a good job, marry, etc. They don't seem to miss a beat and their lives appear to unfold. 

In our culture, the path through young adulthood to independence is the last developmental stage that operates out of a collective. The development occurs in the body, in the brain, and in the culture. Teenage bodies become adult bodies. The brain does its' last major growth spurt. There is momentum and energy inherent in being a part of a graduating class-a peer group that is moving forward-whether from high school, college, technical training, or boot camp. Peer influences can be both negative and positive. As a society, we rely on the peer group to encourage making something of one's life, getting ahead, settling down, being responsible. There is energy and encouragement that only matters when it comes from peers and not from family. It forces the individual to find some extra spark or ability deep inside: "If they can do it, I can do it."  It is not that different than when you were 10 years old and had to muster every bit of courage to go off of the high dive.

For the at-risk young adult, the sense of future can get shattered as a result.

If the future plan was not owned to begin with [in other words, the young adult goes off to college because that is what everyone does] it can be very hard to recapture the plan when the group momentum is lost. These are the young people who seem adrift, with no real goals or sense of direction. They often return home because they lack resources to go elsewhere. If they stay connected to peers, often those peers are drifting as well. 

Parents are left trying to encourage their child back out into the world, and feel particularly burdened and befuddled. Lacking the energy of the group momentum, the parents feel very much alone trying to get the young adult moving again. Inertia sets in. Conflicts arise. The conflicts involve money, late-night hours, laundry, lack of help around the house, sleeping late, getting a job, being a negative influence on younger siblings, and on and on. The parents job is to help the young adult to find a new direction and plan without, in the process, enabling dysfunctional and irresponsible behaviors. 

Parents also have to keep a long-term perspective. This can be very difficult, especially when the short-term is fraught with so much conflict. When the young adult does not leave home, or returns home after an attempt at launching, where the young person will live becomes an issue. Parents often do not want the young person home. They were ready for him or her to leave in the first place. The young adult does not want to be home. Coming and going as you please without having to answer to Mom and Dad is appealing and hard to give up, even if it was only for a short time. Living with a young adult who is not able to be financially independent and who has no clear directions or goals for his life is not easy. Conflicts erupt. To end the conflicts many parents consider setting up the young person in their own apartment. This becomes a false launching, however, as the result is a financially subsidized young adult who lacks clear directions and goals. The young adult is always asking for more money and the parents become increasingly resentful. The discomfort of living with Mom and Dad, of not being independent, can be part of the incentive to get a direction and plan for ones' life. Optimal levels of frustration inspire growth. The frustration that is experienced can be one way to tap into that collective momentum to launch that was lost previously because of failure. It does not have to be comfortable to live at home as a young adult! 

Parents also have to remember that at the young-adult stage of development, parents are often not allowed to be the teacher that the young person will listen to. Life is the best teacher at this stage. We all hope that the lessons will not have to be too harsh. Winding up in jail for a DUI or unpaid traffic tickets is not what someone would choose for their child. Getting the young person off or paying off the tickets for her, is not always the best way to protect her, either. Adults are held accountable by our society, by our bosses, by our families, and by our own self-reflection. Part of getting back on track is when the young adult realizes that what he does today has consequences-good or bad. It matters. Under these conditions, parents are challenged to lead by example, and to clearly define support, as well as the limits of support. If you assist your young adult by hiring a lawyer, then make your child's repayment to you of that debt as important as not wanting them in jail. If it is taken for granted, then odds are increased that down the road you will find yourself repeating a similar situation with that young person. 

Some young adults are simply late bloomers. Some need to know that parents will not always be there to rescue and bail them out of jams. Some need to learn how much things cost and the consequences of debt. Some need to realize the role of health insurance in an adult's life. Some need to appreciate how hard their parents worked to provide as much as they did. These are important learnings. To help these learnings to occur, parents need to sort out their goals along with their fears. Parents need to have their boundaries and limits clearly defined. Parents may decide to support the young person being in therapy, but not a trip to Cancun with the guys. Education is often a priority for parents. So much so at times that parents will continue to invest in their child's education despite marginal completions of semesters due to courses being dropped or failed. Parents wind up investing in their son's or daughter's good intentions rather than in their consistent functioning. When college has become a revolving door, I often recommend to parents that they let the young adult pay their own tuition at the community college and then reimburse the young person for courses where a C or better has been attained. Parents also need to see the actual report card and not take the young person's word for it. 

For the parents whose children are on track, on time--Congratulations. You must be relieved. For those other parents, your work is not done, but it is different. It is very possible that your young person will grow up and be a happy and successful adult. Their lessons are just different.