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IN
PRAISE OF BLACK SHEEP
Rule-breaking
children make the most self-reliant and independent adults
By
Johann Christoph Arnold
There's
a black sheep in every flock, and there are few of us who don't know one, or
didn't know one as a child. Every family, every class, has one: that brother
or sister, boy or girl, who's always in trouble, who's prone to
stretch
limits or take things "too far," who's embarrassingly honest, who
never fits in. It's that child over whom every teacher puzzles longest and
every parent loses the most sleep.
But
no matter how natural the phenomenon, being a misfit is never easy. Because
children are so vulnerable, and because they are dependent on the adults
around them, they are far more sensitive to criticism than one might
guess,
and far more easily crushed. And even if their natural forgetfulness and their
amazing capacity to forgive relieves most children of much that might burden
an adult, there are those whose self-confidence can be
shriveled
by an unjust accusation, a cutting remark, or a hasty miscalculation.
Whenever
we pass judgment on a child, we fail to see him as a whole person. True, he
may be nervous, shy, stubborn, moody, or violent; we may know his siblings or
his background, or think we recognize family traits. But to focus on any one
aspect of a child, especially a negative one, is to put him in a box whose
sides may not really be determined by reality, but only by our own
expectations.
Obviously,
every child is different. Some seem to get all the lucky breaks, while others
have a rough time simply coping with life. One child consistently brings home
perfect scores, while the next is always at the bottom of the class. Another
is gifted and popular, while still another, no matter how hard he tries, is
always in trouble and often gets forgotten. As parents, we must refrain from
showing favoritism, and from comparing our children with others. Above all, we
must refrain from pushing them to become something that their unique personal
makeup may never allow them to be.
Neither
should we forget that raising a "good" child is a dubious goal in
the first place, if only because the line between instilling integrity and
breeding self-righteousness is so fine. Getting into trouble can be a vital
part of building a child's character. As the Polish pediatrician Janusz
Korczak points out: "The good child cries very little, he sleeps through
the night, he is confident and good-natured. He is well-behaved, convenient,
obedient, and good. Yet no consideration is given to the fact that he may grow
up to be indolent and stagnant."
It
is often hard for parents to see the benefits of having raised a difficult
child - even when the outcome is positive. But strange as it may sound, I
believe that the more challenging the child, the more grateful the arent
should be. If anything, parents of difficult children ought to be envied,
because it is they, more than any others, who are forced to learn the most
wonderful secret of true parenthood: the meaning of unconditional love. It is
a secret that remains hidden from those whose love is never tested.
At
a conference in the sixties, at a time when "mal-adjustment" was the
educational catchphrase of the day, Martin Luther King shocked teachers and
parents by turning the supposed problem on its head. "Thank God for
maladjusted
children," a colleague remembers him saying.
When
we welcome the prospect of raising the problematic child with these things in
mind, we will begin to see our frustrations as moments that can awaken our
best qualities. And instead of envying the ease with which our
neighbors
seem to raise perfect offspring, we will remember that rule-breakers and
children who show their horns often make more self-reliant and independent
adults than those whose limits are never tried. By helping
us
to discover the limitations of "goodness" and the boredom of
conformity, they can teach us the necessity of genuineness, the wisdom of
humility, and finally the reality that nothing good is won without struggle.
From
"ENDANGERED: Your Child in a Hostile World" by J. C. Arnold.
Order
the paperback 1-800-521-8011(US), 0800 018 0799(UK)
About
the author:
An
internationally known children's advocate, Johann Christoph Arnold has been a
guest on over 100 talk shows, and a speaker at numerous colleges and
universities. His books on sex and marriage, children's education, death and
dying, forgiveness, and peace have sold over 200,000 copies in English and
have been translated into eight foreign languages. Endangered tackles some of
the most crucial and controversial issues he has addressed to date.
In
thirty years as a family counselor, Arnold has advised thousands of families
and individuals, including single parents, prison inmates, and teenagers. As a
father of eight and grandfather of twenty-four, he draws on
a
wealth of personal experience, bringing an intense passion for children to his
writing.
